Lately, I’ve been wondering, do most people settle or, do they find themselves in the career, the job path they were interested in.
I love to pay attention to people. I don’t like talking to people and don’t really have friends. And for me, that’s okay. I don’t have friendships that I am in constant contact with but I do know a handful of people I’ve known for a decade or more. Generally, I like to observe people and, lately, one thing I’ve observed is the epidemic of At Least You Have a Job.
I don’t know how most people spent their time daydreaming as a child but I remember I had distinct visions as a child of only having a career I loved. And then I grew up. Not only did I grow up but I also subscribed to the newsletter of at least having a job. I didn’t do what I loved but at least I was doing something, right? I told myself I would have a fantastic career when I grew up. And along the way, I remember always seeing online how somehow everyone made 100k. And, good for them. But I wanted that too. Except, I know not everyone was making 100k. But they like pretending. Just like we all need to pretend every now and again.
I have to wonder, when did I stop dreaming? Did we all stop dreaming? It was easy as a kid, when you’re starting out and everything seems so attainable.
So, I forgot about dreaming for a while. And I think we all do. I’ve heard it resonated in bathroom stalls when overhearing private conversations. Can’t complain. Got a job. All the ways we trade soul for life. It’s a cycle we can’t escape because the system isn’t designed to continue chasing your dreams. But we all have them right? When I was lead singer in choir the dream was to sing. But when my siblings made fun of me the dream seemed silly. And the band my friends made didn’t ever go anywhere so they must have been right. Right? Were the people around you placing little thoughts in your head that you should turn away from what you love?
But I suppose we have to grow up and pay the bills. So you can’t make funny faces for the camera your whole life. The system wasn’t designed for you but you shouldn’t let it crush your dreams. And though I’ve lost the plot, I wish I would have held on to the confidence I had before I started chasing dreams. Before the no’s started rolling in and I had to let my shoulder slump because I felt defeated. But my story was a little too early or a little too late because no one wanted to publish a teenage ‘Girl Interrupted’ with a story about someone learning to fall in love with life. But I think that we need to see a bigger picture to know that there are usually so many amazing stories that come after what appears to be a failed chapter. And, because of that, we learn to tell the stories a different way.
But if we turn back to At Least You Have a Job, I can’t lie because, as I said before, I have found myself wondering how many people have a job they love. And, I wondered, do we lie to our kids? We tell them they are going to grow up and go to school or find a career they love. But, what if they don’t? What if their career seems out of reach? What if their dreams were squashed before they even started? Does anyone have a job they love? I’ve had a long career in the same field but I’ve always felt out of place. And, I suppose you can’t just call yourself an artist and pretend to pay the bills. But why not? I know why not. I am not naive. But I think we should hold on to dreaming and to ourselves.
Once the writing failed to pay the subway fare and Craigslist told me I was destined to Canvas to Save New York’s drinking water, I never understood why I had to have a sales quota. Or why it only took me a month to fail. But when I was 18 and I didn’t have a job and I was down to my last five dollars, it didn’t stop me from dreaming. So when we would pitch in for dinner supplies, I made sure to be the chef. Because at the time, at least that was my job. Until I found my way into a different somewhere.
And so I wonder still, if the woman in the bathroom had dreams. And I wondered if they had slipped away. Or did she forget? And, of course, dreaming isn’t an option for everyone. I had the privilege of hopping on a plane and chasing a dream. But the price I paid for the privilege of affording that plane ride is not a story for today. And then I wondered how many people don’t capitalize on missed opportunities. How many people were scared to grab the mic. And so I guess there isn’t a call to anything but just a wonder of how many people feel like they’re gasping for air because they’re suffocating in a place that doesn’t accept them. And I am sure that’s different for everyone. But what’s the point of living a life that can’t let you dream? If we are all only here once, why can’t you just try?
And of course, I can hear it now, a soft whisper of those who are looking to extract themselves from the workforce. You can’t shrug and claim that no one wants to work. Isn’t that what most of us are doing? Working for someone else’s dreams, in the end. But I would love to be whisked away into a world of people who are living their own dreams, the ending that you expected in the video game you imagined playing before all of this. But I have been feeling lately like not a lot of people care to comprehend that others aren’t. And perhaps they don’t want to settle. But so we go I guess. Because time moves on. And time, time isn’t kind. It steals from you and when you’re missing things, time still moves on and you end up moving on too. And so do your dreams, I suppose.
But, if you could. If you could, close your eyes, take flight. And look at the kid you used to know and ask them what they wanted to be. Would you still want to be that? Because my dreams never changed. I grew frown lines and creases and time moved on and I lost my flame to time. But perhaps I knew that one day it would consume me. Watching people. People living their lives. Always leaving tiny traces behind. Influencing your thought process. Making you stop and wonder why.
Why did I let myself get trapped by a system that never wanted to be my friend in the first place? When all I wanted to do was dream. So I suppose as a call to action I would prefer that you dream. That you sit in a dark room. A corner somewhere far away. Watching your life. As a slow movie. I would love to know your thoughts. Because the movie should be beautiful. Everything about you should. And, what’s the dream? Because I am sure even if there wasn’t one, there was something that kept you longing for adulthood. The dream they sold you. But you can’t run away from yourself. And there’s no one on the other side guiding you once you’re all alone.
At least you have a job is still going to turn to dust. Because you won’t be here forever. All while your words can swirl in someone’s thoughts long after your physical presence, I think you need to feed the brain that keeps you going. Hold on to the pieces you lost and the traces you left behind. Because at least having a job is akin to dust and I suppose it isn’t somewhere we should aspire to be.
A pang of jealousy or maybe it’s more like hurt when you can look back and remember. That you shouldn’t have given up on those dreams. The dreams could have transformed throughout the lives you lived and followed you down the path to something new. And I wish we could all grasp at that. Just to hold on to something. To hold on to yourself. And to remember, when you say goodbye, it isn’t just to people. It’s to the world you know.
But you won’t get more time. And time is a present. So when you’re reminded that your dreams were traded for frown lines and creases don’t forget that in the present you have the time. And in the end I guess that’s all I’m gasping for. More time.
Until next time.